then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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