Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
