gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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