I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
