Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
