I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
