ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
