is your mom at the bar?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
be right there i have to get my cape
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
