i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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