At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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