If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
