my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
