fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
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