her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
