no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
