Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
