Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
