why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
