i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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