oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
