I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
