I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
