just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
