I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
where are my eyebrows?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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