we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
