Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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