You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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