mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
