Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
