The maid of honor just puked.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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