Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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