just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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