My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
