i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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