Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
