My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
