I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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