i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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