I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
