I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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