I think my fart just growled at me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
