just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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