a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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