Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
