Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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