dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
