So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
