Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
