The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
