he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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