Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
