Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
