well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
