I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
