My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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