i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
